DC sent this one in.
I was so depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Showing posts with label Water-cooler. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Water-cooler. Show all posts
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Depressed
DC sent this one in.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Email Warning!
Papa B sent this one in.
If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.
If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton," do not open it.
It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.
No one ever said Papa B was politically correct.
Spy photo: Bill Clinton holding hands with mystery woman
This photo was actually taken by TMZ a couple of months ago and then reprinted by the Edmonton Sun. I'm a bit late 'cuz I don't exactly follow the gossip papers.
While leaving a $200 - $500 a ticket speaking engagement in Canada on Friday, the Edmonton Sun caught Bill Clinton holding hands with an unidentified woman.It's good to be an ex-President for whom the "100-mile rule" is always in effect.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Hostage Negotiation in China
Papa B sent this one.
"I have 3 demands or I'll kill the boy!"
Negotiators assess the situation from next door.
Head Negotiator dispatched.
Negotiations begin.
Negotiations concluded.
In this country, we would block off the street, take 12 hours to talk him out of it, spend $1.25 million giving him a fair trial, and then pay his food and lodging for life!
No wonder their products are cheaper than ours!
Before you ask: Snopes says it's true.
And no one said that Papa B was politically correct.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Actual Statements on Insurance Claim Forms
Sean sent this one in.
* Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
* The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention.
* I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
* I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
* A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
* The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him.
* I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in law and headed over the embankment.
* In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
* I had been shopping for a plant all day and was on my way home. As I reached an inter-section a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
* I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
* I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident and damage my big end.
* As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
* To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I stuck a pedestrian.
* My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
* An invisible car came out of nowhere, stuck my car and vanished.
* I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
* I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
* The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run. So I ran over him.
* I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
* The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
* I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
* The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out the way when I struck the front end.
* The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
* I knocked over a man, he admitted it was his fault as he'd been knocked over before.
Snopes says the truth of this email is "undetermined" which I take to mean as "fully verified."
Puntastic
Denny's got a good list of puns going. A few of my favorites:
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
6. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
7. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
8. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Remnants of Ike
The remnants of Ike are still packing a heck of a punch. Wind gusts of 70 miles-an-hour were typical at midday. The power went out at the gym, so I quickly showered and left.
While power was out most of the way home, a few lights were still operating. Check out the angles of the stoplights.
Another intersection, but the lights are on here as well.
You don't often see a stoplight in this position.
Over this bridge, there was a strange dust storm kicking up, though it had died down by the time I snapped the shot.Power is still on where we live, perhaps because much of the electric transmission is underground in our area.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Talk about politically incorrect
Bernie sent this one in:
I guess the folks sporting Obama stickers can't be too happy with this guy.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Butch
Papa B sent in this one.
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers
(hens), called 'pullets,'
and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records,
and any rooster not performing
went into the soup pot
and was replaced.
This took a lot of time,
so he bought some tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone,
so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch
And fill out an efficiency report
by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch,
was a very fine specimen,
but this morning he noticed
old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate,
he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets,
hearing the roosters coming,
could run for cover.
To John's amazement,
old Butch had his bell in his beak,
so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet,
do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch,
he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation
among the judges.
The result was the judges
not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out
how to win two of the most highly coveted awards
on our planet by being the best
at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully this year,
the bells are not always audible.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
The weirdest place on Earth
Dark Roasted Blend has some stunning pictures of Socotra Island, which is located off the African Coast near Somalia.
Click on either pic to visit.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
You can't fix stupid
Ben sent this one.
Make sure you read the story under the picture.
This is a cake for someone who was transferring from an insurance claims office.Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
Employee: 'Hello, this is the Bakery, how can I help you?'
Customer: 'I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'
Employee: 'What you want on the cake?'
Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.
An intelligent person can pretend to be a simpleton, but the reverse is never true.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Once again discrimination rears it's ugly head...
Sent in by: Papa B
Monday, August 25, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Design Awards
Sean sends along his nominations for best designs:
Best solicitation for soccer tickets.
Best refrigerator magnet.
Best Google advertisement.
Best T-Shirt design.
Best shopping bag.
Best public service ad.
Best updated Mona Lisa (if she visited Texas).Linked by: Sondrak. Thanks!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the R ! We missed the R !
We missed the R !'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...CELEB R ATE !!!'
Hat tip: Papa B
